Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
