I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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