I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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