So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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