I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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