my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
