Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my sisters under your porch take her home
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
