he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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