Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
