youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
