i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
