Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
