Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
