the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What drink are we having for lunch?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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