the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
