Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
