Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
