Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
so let's talk penis.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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