is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
