i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My pussy is not your playground.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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