I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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