Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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