dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
