What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
