I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Randomize
