He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
