So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
