sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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