you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize