I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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