i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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