After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
