After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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