Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
