Tell her she can't have a vagina
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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