I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
