do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
