I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
