My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
