dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
