I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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