If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
