some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
