My underwear smells like fireworks.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
