she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
