His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
