So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
