I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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