I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Sober January is a disaster.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
