2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
