They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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