I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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