Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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