Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i am craving dick and cupcakes
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
