I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
