I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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