hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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