my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
