If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
